Thursday, July 11, 2013

Motherhood: before and after

Sometimes I feel like motherhood has changed me so much that I don't even recognize myself.

I used to "have it together." Or at least I thought I did. I used to have energy. I used to sleep more than 5 hours a night. I used to feel like I knew where my life was headed. Now, to be honest, I'm not so sure.

Motherhood is hard. Seriously hard. In the midst of a literal emotional breakdown when my first child was a few weeks old a good friend told me: "Welcome to motherhood. It sucks. You're going to love it!"

3+ years later, that still about sums it up for me. There are things about being a mom that bring out the worst in me. I'm a very selfish person. I didn't know that until I became a mother. (To be fair, I probably did know it. Motherhood just exposed it.) And, whether I "have it all together" or not, I feel like the most incompetent person on the planet when my 3-year-old throws an out-of-this-world fit and I am powerless to stop it.

I asked myself: Is this normal? Can I survive this?

I honestly have no idea.

Lots of women survive motherhood, right? I mean, no one dies from the overwhelming stress that comes from being entrusted with the lives of two small human beings, right?


I wish I could end this post with a chipper, God's-got-my-back resolve. But, to be honest, I'm still working on this. I'm trusting, believing that I can be a mother. That God didn't give me these children so that I can be an example of what NOT to do.

And, just to make sure we're clear, I love my boys. I'm talking absolutely adore, want to kiss their faces off, LOVE them. They are sunshine and beauty, and I am blessed to have them. It's the notion of keeping us all healthy (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically) that stumps me.


  1. I obviously don't know what's normal and what's not, but what I do know is that you and Dave are doing a great job with those boys. You need a reminder of that....look at a picture of Aaron smiling and the video of Eli drumming on the tree stumps to God's Not Dead. You guys have this so far beyond under control, people should be jealous. Being a mom scares the crap out of me....but you make me feel like I can do it one day (but beware, I'll probably have you on speed dial!)


    1. Thanks, Tiff :) And, yes, keep me on speed dial. You, too, will be an excellent mama!