Sometimes I feel like motherhood has changed me so much that I don't even recognize myself.
I used to "have it together." Or at least I thought I did. I used to have energy. I used to sleep more than 5 hours a night. I used to feel like I knew where my life was headed. Now, to be honest, I'm not so sure.
Motherhood is hard. Seriously hard. In the midst of a literal emotional breakdown when my first child was a few weeks old a good friend told me: "Welcome to motherhood. It sucks. You're going to love it!"
3+ years later, that still about sums it up for me. There are things about being a mom that bring out the worst in me. I'm a very selfish person. I didn't know that until I became a mother. (To be fair, I probably did know it. Motherhood just exposed it.) And, whether I "have it all together" or not, I feel like the most incompetent person on the planet when my 3-year-old throws an out-of-this-world fit and I am powerless to stop it.
I asked myself: Is this normal? Can I survive this?
I honestly have no idea.
Lots of women survive motherhood, right? I mean, no one dies from the overwhelming stress that comes from being entrusted with the lives of two small human beings, right?
I wish I could end this post with a chipper, God's-got-my-back resolve. But, to be honest, I'm still working on this. I'm trusting, believing that I can be a mother. That God didn't give me these children so that I can be an example of what NOT to do.
And, just to make sure we're clear, I love my boys. I'm talking absolutely adore, want to kiss their faces off, LOVE them. They are sunshine and beauty, and I am blessed to have them. It's the notion of keeping us all healthy (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically) that stumps me.